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Why We Feel Pain So Deeply—And Joy From a Distance

Updated: Jun 29

Understanding Association, Disassociation, and the Inner Coding of Experience

Have you ever wondered why some painful memories feel so close—like they’re still happening—and yet joyful moments often feel distant, like watching someone else’s life on a screen?

It’s not just you. It’s how the mind naturally codes experience. And when you understand this, healing becomes much more possible.


🔴 Why Negative Experiences Stick: Survival Encoding


Our nervous system evolved to keep us alive—not necessarily to make us happy.

  • Survival value: Negative experiences are encoded in vivid, high-definition detail because they may contain life-saving information.

    • Example: If you nearly drowned as a child, your brain likely stored the sights, sounds, and panic in full intensity—so you’d never let that happen again.

  • Emotion = Memory Glue: The stronger the emotion, the stronger the memory. Fear, shame, and anger supercharge the brain to associate fully—locking in every sensory cue.

  • Pattern recognition for self-protection: Staying associated with painful moments helps the subconscious compare current situations to past threats and avoid repeating danger.

In short: Pain is loud, urgent, and remembered—because it had to be.


🟢 Why We Observe Joy from Afar: Emotional Regulation & Safety


By contrast, joy doesn't carry the same survival imperative. And that’s where things get interesting.

  • Biological calm around pleasure: Joy doesn’t threaten life. It’s delightful, but the body doesn’t feel the same urgency to lock it in.

  • Vulnerability barrier: For some, fully feeling happiness is a risk. Letting it all the way in can feel too raw, too open. Watching it like a movie offers a safer, more manageable distance.

  • Conditioning matters: Many grow up with quiet messages like “Don’t get your hopes up,” “Be careful,” or “Nothing lasts.” These build unconscious habits of disassociating from joy to avoid the pain of loss.

And so, we end up feeling pain up close but watching joy from a distance.


🧠 NLP & Neuroscience: Understanding Association States


In therapeutic terms:

  • Associated state = You’re in the experience, feeling it now.

  • Disassociated state = You’re watching the experience from outside.

Most people:

  • Are associated with negative moments (which brings intensity and reactivity),

  • And disassociated from positive ones (which makes joy feel short-lived or unreal).

Why?

  • Joy hasn’t been practiced in the body the way pain has.

  • It feels safer to observe happiness than to risk fully stepping into it.


🔄 Pattern Breakdown: Real-World Examples

Experience Type

Encoding Style

Result

Public humiliation

Associated (intense)

Deep shame, fear of recurrence

Receiving praise

Disassociated

Feels unreal, doesn’t integrate

Childhood injury

Associated

Phobia or aversion persists

Winning a prize

Disassociated

Memory fades, feels like luck

🌱 How Healing Reverses the Trend

One of the quiet miracles of hypnotherapy and NLP is this:

We can gently disassociate from trauma to release its emotional grip…And re-associate with joy to let it land in the heart and body more deeply.

This rewires the inner pattern.

Imagine being able to remember a joyful moment and actually feel it again—not just remember that it happened.

Imagine looking back on a painful event and no longer feeling hijacked by it.

This is the essence of healing:

To feel joy fully and observe pain wisely.

Would you like to try a short guided exercise to begin shifting this pattern? I’d be happy to share one with you.

Or feel free to explore our guided sessions at Light Manor Hypnotherapy—where we’re learning how to return to the joy that’s already here, waiting to be felt.



 
 
 

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